


the trials and tribulations of reiner braun

by hesselives



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Gen, Humor, M/M, rated t for torrential use of profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 03:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesselives/pseuds/hesselives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reiner has an arch nemesis and her name is Ymir.</p><p>(scribbled drunkenly for <a href="http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/524.html?thread=903692">this snkkink prompt</a>: <em>i just want to see them having a ridiculous rivalry and trying to outdo each other over the pettiest shit.</em>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the trials and tribulations of reiner braun

If there's anything that Bertholdt Hoover learned while in the 104th Training Corps, it's that shit tends to happen.

+++++

**i. there once was a dude named reiner**

"Hey, you."

Bertholdt looks up from his dinner plate, and coughs as he chokes on his bread.

"Hello...Ymir."

"Where's Braun?"

"You know, I’m not su–"

" _Tell me where he is or I'll rip out your balls_."

"Bathroom," he says automatically, subtly shifting his crotch away from her.

Ymir narrows her eyes in suspicion but stalks off anyway. Bertholdt breathes out a sigh of relief, then realizes that Reiner is essentially about to die. He considers his options.

Well, their relationship was nice while it lasted.

(If later there's a scream from the direction of the bathroom that sounds something like " _BERT YOU TRAITOR. GET THIS BITCH AWAY FROM M—AUGHHFWRRGGHH_ ," well...he doesn't know anything about it.)

+++++

**ii. reiner, you are not a fish**

"You really shouldn’t have cheated," Bertholdt tuts as he watches Reiner sulk.

"I din' cheat!" he hisses, gingerly cradling his swollen lip. With two black eyes and an imprint of a boot on his forehead, Reiner looks less like a warrior and more like roadkill.

"Right," Bertholdt says flatly. "So you were hiding in the bathroom for no reason."

"S’ not my fault she doesn’ need air," Reiner mutters. (Seriously, what kind of person can go five minutes underwater without breathing? Ymir, apparently.)

"You know," Bertholdt sighs, "I'd like to provide moral support as a good boyfriend should—" (Reiner snorts) "—but you make it very difficult when you keep challenging her to contests you can't actually win."

Reiner looks down at the floor, jaw set in determination. "One day I'll win. You'll see."

Bertholdt's only response to that is to roll over in his bed and mumble unintelligibly into his pillow.

+++++

**iii. reiner's declining sense of self-preservation**

Ever the multi-tasker, Bertholdt is presently trying to make two things happen:

1) Remove a dirt stain from his spare pants. ( _Who the fuck decided white pants were a good idea?_ )  
2) Make sure Reiner is more or less alive by the time this idiotic contest is over.

He looks up briefly as he notices Christa walking over. "Hey, Christa."

She sits on the bench beside him and peers down at the pants. "Just flip 'em inside out. No one cares."

Bertholdt immediately stops scrubbing. "Huh."

She diverts her attention to the sparring arena in front of them, where Reiner and Ymir are stirring up massive dust clouds. "What are they up to this time?"

"Chicken," he says distractedly, squinting at the seams of his pants.

"What?"

"Game of chicken. I guess they run straight at each other and whoever turns away first is the loser."

Christa stares at him. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Eh, could be worse." He shrugs. "Hey, can’t you talk to Ymir and get her to nix this whole thing? It's kind of getting out of hand."

A loud crack interrupts them.

(" _OW OW MY NECK GODDAMN IT_."

" _HAH! I’M UNSTOPPABLE, MOTHERFUCKAAAA._ ")

Christa turns back to Bertholdt. "You were saying?"

"Ah....never mind."

+++++

**iv. armin attempts to give life lessons to reiner**

"Reiner, I think you're going about this all wrong."

Bertholdt blinks as Armin comes into his range of vision. Finally, a voice of wisdom!

Reiner replies morosely, "I don't get it. I'm just as strong as she is...right?"

"Strength isn't everything," Armin says sagely. (He ignores Eren's screech from across the room.) "There are other ways you can win."

Bertholdt stares intensely at Armin, hoping to convey successfully through his eyes: _No! No encouragement! Please make it all stop!_

But Armin merely gives him an odd glance, and proceeds to explain chess strategies to an increasingly intrigued Reiner.

An hour later, Bertholdt finds himself actually witnessing a chess match between Reiner and Ymir.

"I thought you were using it as a metaphor," he says flatly to Armin.

Armin looks up at him and shrugs. "It's a less violent outlet for their aggression, isn't it?"

"Check! I’m totally checking you, bitch," Ymir crows after moving her rook into position.

"I think you’ll find that _I'm_ checking _you_. Boom, think again!" Reiner yells back, slamming down his bishop.

Armin raises a hand in protest. "Uh guys, those were illegal moves—"

"CHECKMATE!"

"I UNDO YOUR CHECKMATE."

Bertholdt and Armin leap out of the way as the table is flipped over, chess pieces scattering everywhere.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO CHEAT AGAIN, YOU BASTARD," Ymir screams as she flings the board at Reiner's head.

"COME AT ME AGAIN, I DARE YOU," Reiner seethes, holding up chess pieces between his fingers like brass knuckles.

Armin frantically tries to calm them down, yelling out words like ‘honor,’ ‘camaraderie,’ and ‘calm the fuck down.’

“I'm making a strategic retreat," Bertholdt says to no one in particular as he makes for the exit.

+++++

**v. because history doesn't exist, reiner never actually learns about the trojan war**

"Bert."

"Hm?" Bertholdt says absently, trimming his nails.

"Bert, I have an idea."

"Hn."

"What if I pretend to let her win?"

Bertholdt processes that for a minute. Then he makes a face. "How is that different from what it is now?"

Reiner folds his arms and looks at Bertholdt like _he's_ the moron. "Because she'll let her guard down, and when she's at her weakest— POW. I ambush her and I win!"

Bertholdt spends an inordinately long time thinking about all the things that are wrong with that statement.

"You don't think it's a good idea?" Reiner asks, trying not to look sad.

Luckily for Bertholdt, deflection comes easily to him and he puts on his best smile. "You look very handsome today, Reiner."

Predictably, Reiner turns faintly red and forgets all about ambushing Ymir. (For the next twenty minutes, anyway.)

+++++

**vi. ymir is the food and reiner is the hunter, or so the plan goes**

Ymir and Reiner are standing in a face-off, the light of the setting sun accentuating the manic glints in their eyes.

"Why did you call me here?" Ymir demands. "You want another ass-kicking?"

"Actually," Reiner says with great dignity, "I want to call a truce."

"You mean you want to concede defeat," she says, smirking.

"It's a truce," he grits out through his teeth.

"You're finally bowing down to my superiority, I get it. I accept."

"NO, I NEVER SAID THAT. I WANT PEACE AND HARMONY AND MUTUAL RESPECT— HEY, STOP LAUGHING."

But Ymir is too busy wheezing her lungs out and rolling around on the ground to pay any attention to him.

Reiner grins widely and seizes the opportunity, leaping at her while roaring, "I AMBUSH YOUUUU!"

And that is how Bertholdt later finds Reiner holding Ymir in an impressive chokehold.

"Bert! Look look, I won. Ahahaha."

Reiner looks so pleased with himself that Bertholdt doesn't have to heart to tell them they have to run laps for the next five hours for missing roll call.

No, wait. He does.

(" _Fucker, you made me miss roll call!_ "

" _Don’t know, don’t care. I won!_ "

As Reiner gleefully runs for five hours straight, Keith Shadis frowns and wonders whether one of his best trainees is all right in the head.)

+++++


End file.
